pressure

pressure
pain
stress

crack

pressure
pressure

pain

crack

my time
gone

your time
dominates
my
every
waking
moment--
interrupts
my: sleep
       thoughts
       dreams

burrowing holes
building rigids

between

my needs
and
your demands

crack
pressure
break

are
you happy
now?

any moment

for my friend ruth.

stop
now
just stop

you're not right
in fact---
you're far from it

talking heads 
strutting around
like
proud peacocks
making proclamations
changing ways 

anger
resentment
frustration
stress
bubbling under the surface

the scale
tipping ever so slightly
towards
total anarchy and destruction

molten lava
pulsating under the surface
threatening to erupt

any moment

talking heads
stuck in the clouds
blind eyes
deaf ears

hurting
damaging
destroying
all that has been good

you will push us too far
and
then

will you be able to pick up the pieces alone? 

crushing

frustrated.

seriously
totally
frustrated.

i am always strong
you are always weak

the weight is suffocating

sometimes
just sometimes

i want to be
the weak one.

then you'll know

the weight
that is bearing down on me
every single day.

then maybe--
just maybe-
you'll understand
when i am weak.

hiding

you are
a turtle in its shell
an ostrich with its head in the ground.

avoiding
ignoring
retreating

hiding
doesn't make things better
it gets
worse.
much worse

until

you
have
nowhere
left
to hide

exposed
to the harsh
light
of reality

alone
afraid.
you'll try to hide

but

there is
nowhere
to go.

except-
to
stand up
and
be the person
you are supposed to be

only then
will you
truly come
out of
hiding

change

ingrained ways
thoughts
feelings
ideas
beliefs

not your own
can't let go

you
want
need
long
desire

change

take-
the
first
step.

change

lost
on how
lost

travelling blindly
fighting  demons
gaining strength

change
is
hard

you must
change

to live
your life.

step
into
the
unknown.

change
your life
to
what you want

just
take
the first
terrifying step
into
the unknown.

then the next.

it
will
get
easier.

weight
will lift

change
bring
relief
and
hope.

stunned

words are powerful
words are comforting

they rip you open,
leave you raw.

asking questions
wondering why

words leave you
isolated
secluded
alone

vulnerable

words
separate
discriminate

but

the spoken
are not as powerful

as the silent
looks
stares
judgments
calculating

eyes like knives
piercing your soul

leaving scars
that can never be healed

all because

you are not right
wrong.
can never be right.

i was made that way.
i will never change.

but you will have to.

growing

relax
let go

children grow
older
stronger
to their own person

new experiences
new places

you raise them
to be on their own
and
to come back to you

being away
isn't forgetting

so
relax
let go
it is supposed to be this way.

feeling

do you know how it feels
to be hated?

do you know how it feels
to hear whispers?

do you know how it feels
to dodge dirty looks?

do you know how it feels
to be completely ignored by a room full of people?

do you know how it feels
to only be acknowledged in public?

do you know how it feels
to have people plotting against you?

do you know how it feels
to seem:
worthless
insignificant
wrong.

do you know how it feels
to care about people that loathe you?

do you know how it feels
to be me in this?

do know how it feels
to know that everyone is rooting for you to fail?

do you know how it feels
to be:
lost
tired
lonely
frustrated
by this?

do you know it feels
to be me?

i think not-
if you did
i wouldn't feel so alone.

different

old fashioned
i'd say racist.

colors are beautiful
shades abound
black
white
brown
caramel

everywhere you look a new shade appears

color defines us
color rules our lives
we are
sorted
seperated
judged

love of culture runs deep
washed out skin-
can't understand
isn't the same
shouldn't be trusted

family norms.
excess baggage,

we are branded by our shades.
we can not escape.
they never leave us alone.

it shapes our lives

you can not hide from it
nor change.

we spend all our time saying:
you just don't understand what it's like to be...

i know how it feels to be different.

if you only look at the color of my skin-
you will never know me.

caught

you love me

but

you are caught
between
two worlds

split in half

old world
new world

longing
to
be
accepted
by
both

except

you love me

you can't decide-
where you fit.

pain
worry
fear
tear you up

but
you love me

you show it-

they're set in their ways

they refuse to see

they refuse to admit

that
you love me

fake

perception is reality
well
the reality you share

in public
you

smile
laugh
are friendly
caring

behind closed doors
you

control
manipulate
berate
demand

once out again
you are a proud peacock
while your family sits on the side

cringing at every approving glance

knowing the truth behind that face

seeing the evil within your soul.

you are not
honorable
or
repeatable

all you are is

fake.

unsure

we are taught to:
think for ourselves
forge our own paths
map out our destiny

except...

sometimes...

family does not agree
they're needs trump our own.

our voice is
quieted
muffled
silenced

until
we are unable to think for ourselves

then, we are their pawn
waiting to find which direction to move in.

what kind of life is that?

wondering

why
can't you find your strength?

why
won't you think for yourself?

why
do they refuse to let you go?

why
is it impossible for you to leave?

why
can only the youngest ones see
are they the only ones with eyes
where did they learn acceptance?

why
is everyone so close minded?

why
are you scared?

why
are you so scared?

why
are you so scared?

what do you think will happen?

calm

settling in
back to normal

only not-
really

questions loom
feelings the same

back to normal-
only not.

is this normal?
what is normal?

change
acceptance
approval

where are you?

control

stomach tense
mind races
hands shake

when will this get better?

stop mind.
stop.
stop.
stop.

why won't you listen to me?

I need control.
There is no control.
Need, control

to stop the mind
from traveling down
the dark alleys--
you never come back from.

restless

minutes refuse to pass.
they drag themselves out
until every painful second

has had its fair share.

they are
taunting
mocking
looking distastefully

as if to say:
we're doing this on purpose.

elated

Joy fill me
and
wants to burst out.

one hundred twenty seconds.
a mere
one hundred twenty seconds.

To calm my restless nerves.
To hear your voice.

one hundred twenty seconds
is all it took.

disconnected

in the age of communication on every device known. there is a strange sound of silence.

nothing. no sounds. no words. nothing.

we hear from people all day long for the most trivial details of their lives. we read information about people's lives that we do not care about.

it's in front of us all the time. all the time. all the time.

except when it's not.

then the silence is deafening.

relief

Relief washes over me.
The elephant standing on my chest is gone.

There is nothing left to do except wait.
I have no control anymore.
It all rests on your shoulders.

You are carrying the hopes of two people.
Try not to get weighed down by the enormity that stands before you.

You must be strong as you travel on this journey.

Because, I am strong for you while I am waiting.

it's that time

to say goodbye. thanks semisonic for lyrics to wrap this up.

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

we are but a short one hundred eight day blip on their lives. one hundred eighty days in the span of a lifetime is nothing. you never know who will remember you and who will not. sorry to most of my teachers...i don't remember you. those one hundred eight days were but a small speck on my life. time will tell.

now it's the end in the beginning.